Episode 29 – Phone Calls

We get up up at11:00! Outside, the dazzling sunshine beckons. We head downstairs looking for the others. Hear muted voices in the back yard where Neal, Wendy, Carl and Stacy are sitting half-dressed on the grass.

They see us and wave. “Hey!” Neal yells. “Where were you two?” Totally busting my balls!
Azalea’s in one of dad’s silk robes and I’m in my stretch-a-matics.
As we walk up, Wendy winks. “Sexy bulge,” and I glance at her, like, “are you crazy?” My mind keeps flipping back and forth between thinking I look okay and imagining I’m a gigundachipmunk. Kids used to call me Chip, but since I sprouted, my teeth don’t look as huge. Thank god!
I’m not sure when Dad will show. Haven’t checked messages and don’t want to…rather be kept in the dark. Hope he’ll stay upstate until Sunday. Maybe I should email him…tell him I’ve got guests????

Azalea and I hold hands, watch our friends. “You sure you’re okay?” She whispers…giving my hand a reassuring squeeze.

Across from us, Stacy has her hand up Carl’s boxers. He’s got a shit-eating grin plastered across his face. Suddenly, his cell buzzes. He hesitates, then grabs it…checks the number. “Fuck!” He cries. “It’s that perve Baker from school. What’ll I do?” His joy and boner evaporate…swipes golden hair from his eyes. “Christ, I need a fucking haircut!”

“Don’t you dare,” Stacy cries.
“You gonna call Baker back?” I ask.
“Shit! I have to. Right?”
“Don’t call,” Neal suggests. “Tell him you lost your cell.”
Carl jumps up. He’s lean and bony like me…makes his boxers look like a skirt. “This is such bullshit!” He screams. “The asshole’s stalking me!”
An idea pops into my head. “Tell him you’ve got a friend who wants to be tutored too. I’ll be your bodyguard.”
Carl’s amazed. “Dude, you’d do that?”
“Yeah, definitely! It’s not like I have to be home with my family.”
“What about me?” Azalea asks. “Don’t leave me out!”
Carl shakes his head. “I dunno. He might get pissed.”
I agree. “He could pull a fast one…like tutor us separately. He’s dying to get you one-on-one…but give it a shot.”
Carl returns Baker’s call. Bottom line, he wants to kick off tutoring Sunday night…doesn’t want anybody else within a thousand miles. Asks my name, and says he’ll discuss it with me, so I’m totally screwed too! Immediately try to come up with some good excuses.
Carl turns to me. “That worked like a charm. Now we’re both fucked.”
I roll my eyes. “Sorry, dude.”
He turns to Stacy. “Gotta get my mind off this shit. Wanna go inside?”
She nods and they hold hands and disappear.
I shake my head. “Me and my brilliant ideas!”
Azalea kisses my cheek. “No sweat, Baby. You were trying to do the right thing. Go easy on yourself…maybe you need love therapy too?” Gives me a wicked grin.
“Yeah, okay,” I say, feeling a little better, but still bummed…seems like shit’s lurking under every rock. Well…almost every rock, Mom, Dad, Baker, whatever. Can’t shake a sinking feeling. Don’t know what I’d do without Azalea. She’s like my life boat, but I’m freaked we’ll get separated somehow…by her folks, my dad? Who, the fuck knows?
Inside, we head for my room…just as Carl comes streaking down the hall…boner bobbing ahead. “Gotta take a wicked piss!” He cries.
“Have you no shame?” Azalea says with a laugh.
“No!” He replies, slamming the bathroom door.
“I like your friends,” she says. “They’re all fucking crazy…and Carl’s adorable. Stacy’s crazy about him!”
Can’t resist commenting. “More adorable than me?” I’m sort of kidding, but not really. Can’t get it through my head that I’m actually okay looking. When I look in the mirror, all I see is the bad stuff…zits, teeth, cheeks…like my mouth’s full of acorns! Why am I so fucking insecure????
Azalea looks me in the eyes. “Are you okay? Of course you’re adorable…the most adorable boy ever.”
For some reason, I can’t let it go. “As adorable as Carl?”
She squeezes my hand. “Gus, why are you so nervous? Carl’s adorable…like a girl with a dick. You’ve got the look I totally love…one-hundred percent boy. You got no idea how cute you are…not magazine cute, but sweet, honest, dependable, in addition to a really fine dick.” Pats my bulge. Read next episode!