Episode 1 – Before the Storm

It’s 5:30 on December 1st….already dark. Britney, Mrs. K and I are sitting at the kitchen counter watching TV. Noel is due any minute.

It’s Friday night…there’s a blitz of Christmas commercials. Outside it’s a misty drizzle…unusually mild for December. We’re slowly catching the holiday spirit, but would definitely catch it more if the weather cooperated. Thankfully, the Weather Channel is predicting a major change, but we’ll believe it when we see it.

Britney and Mrs. K are transfixed by the TV, and I’m transfixed by Britney…her delicate features, big brown eyes and scrumptious body. We’ve all grown close during the past year, but Britney and me especially. We’re
together 24/7, at school, hanging out, making out, raiding the liquor cabinet, and smoking pot. Actually, as far as pot goes, I can take it or leave it. My Elf family was always trying to get fucked up on herbs and
potions and it got a little old, especially when I had to go out hunting while they were sitting home having the time of their lives. Elves write volumes about spells, magic, and anything related. My mom’s potion
book was two feet thick…handed down for generations. When you’re an Elf guy,

spending long Winters in mountain isolation, what else can you do but get high and flog the log?Mrs. K gets up to check the thermometer for the umpty-umpth time. “It’s 40!” She announces. Okay…a little downward movement. At noon it was 46. “Looks like the snow’ll hold off ’til late,” she says, sounding like a regular farm girl, which she is definitely not…got her degree from Vassar.

“Thank god it’s Friday,” Britney says. “The week was endless! I’m definitely going to sleep-in tomorrow.” Winks at me.

Weekends are awesome, but school’s great too. I’ve made a million friends and thrown myself into school activities. I ski…do track in the Spring, and soccer in the Fall…actually didn’t embarrass myself. I’m fit and fast, and all the sports remind me of my Elfin heritage. Out hunting, I often had skis strapped to my back, and when the snow was deep, I snowshoed all day. Amazingly, soccer is like our ancient game of Elfin football…boys and girls kick around a lopsided leather ball filled with rags.

I’d like to say everything at school’s great, but I’d be lying. The media’s a constant pain. Since the avalanche, the paparazzi camp all over the place. The school even found a mini-cam stuck to the bathroom ceiling. They’ll do anything for an exclusive, even if it’s a fuzzy picture of my water snake.

To dodge the curious, Britney and I stay home a lot, but if I make an official trip, there are bodyguards. No kidding! They’re Secret Service guys who were assigned last year when Congress decided a real live Elf is a
national treasure or something. Like last Summer, when school was out, I traveled to a lot of colleges and universities so they could study me. It was exhausting and really strange, but I ended up with all sorts

of grants and stipends…so money is no problem. The Knights even had to hire an accounting firm to keep things organized.Understandably, all the attention creates problems at school. it drives kids crazy to see me on magazine covers or the news, and parents go bat shit about the lack of privacy with reporters constantly stalking around…it’s sort of a love-hate thing. Shop owners and merchants love me because Pikeville has become a tourist mecca, but the private citizens hate it and a bunch have left.

What’s really peculiar is I’ve become sort a “lightning rod” for weirdos and conspiracy theorists…some say I’m the vanguard of an alien invasion. Others say my ears are pointed because of pollution, and others claim I’m a satanic beast.

What people dream up is incredible! Okay, granted, I do look a little different:

1) My hair’s blue black;
2) You know about my ears;
3) My skin’s pearly white (Elves aren’t big sunbathers);
4) My eyes are yellow-green;
5) I have zero fat;
6) At 5′ 8″ I’m an Elf giant;
7) I have no body hair.

That’s all I’m willing to reveal…but, in spite of the superficial stuff, I really don’t understand what all the fuss is about. The Elfin Code requires us to be humble, honest and polite…nice to people basically, though we do get riled on occasion…and when an Elf gets riled, watch out! But most of the time, we’re just peaceful, agrarian beings seeking spiritual truth in nature. To Elves, churches, temples and religious symbols are all very strange. How can humans see the world clearly when they’re distracted by so much ritual and pageantry. Elves don’t get that. Sure, we have our spells and incantations, but they’re for emergency situations.

Britney jumps up, interrupting my thoughts. “Did you hear that?”

I whirl around. “What?”

To be continued… Read next episode!