Snappy Takes a Hairpin Turn

posted in: Featured, One Act Play | 0


A young man sits in a doorway on the street. He is thin and disheveled.
He huddles in a shabby jean jacket. In front of him is a sign, poorly
lettered:

ASHAMED AND EMBARRASSED. HOMELESS AND HAVE AIDS.
PLEASE HELP ME.

Another young man, SNAPPY, walks past the young man in the
doorway. He is healthy and vibrant, the epitome of gay well being. He
wears a GMHC tote bag slung over his head and shoulder, and a huge
rainbow button pinned to the bag.

SNAPPY stops dead in his tracks and turns back to look back at the
seated, shivering young man, HAPPY.

Snappy:
(Aside) It can’t be.
Happy:
(Aside) Can it be?
Snappy:
(Aside, angrily) It shouldn’t be.
Happy:
(Aside) Could it be?
Snappy:
It’s embarrassing.
SNAPPY walks away, proceeds to make a cell phone call.
Happy:
(Aside) Well, that was embarrassing.
Snappy:
(Into cell phone) Hi, who is this? Let me speak with
Charles.
Happy:
(Aside) Guess it can’t be.
Snappy:
(Into cell phone) Charles…I’m on 14th Street and there’s
a guy panhandling on the sidewalk with a sign in front
of him saying…
SNAPPY turns slightly upstage and continues his conversation, his
voice muffled.
Happy:
(Aside, incredulously) He can’t be calling the cops on
me. Man, he’s got no shame.
Snappy:
(Turning downstage, audible again, into cell) Send a car

around. I’ll wait here to make sure he doesn’t get away.
Roger that.
Happy:
(Aside) Oh my God, he did call the cops!
Snappy:
(Aside) Better stall him before he bolts. (Strolls up to
HAPPY and stops with his crotch at eye level ) Hey,
buddy, where do you live?
Happy:
(Aside) Oh my God, what a basket! (To SNAPPY) Right
here on 14th Street.
Snappy:
Have you got an address?
Happy:
On this lime slice of a sidewalk.
Snappy:
Very poetic. But you’re not supposed to sleep on the
sidewalk.
Happy:
(Aside) Here it comes.
Snappy:
(Aside) He’s really cute in a skanky sort of way. (With
curiosity) How do you eat?
Happy:
Basically, I put food in my mouth, chew and swallow.
Just like anybody else.
Snappy:
Ha-ha. You don’t dumpster dive, do you?
Happy:
Hell no, that’s some nasty shit.
Snappy:
(Aside) Greasy and grimy.
Happy:
Much to my chagrine, I beg.
Snappy:
(Aside) And he won’t put up much of a fight. (To HAPPY)
I noticed your sign.
Happy:
Sucks, huh?
Snappy:
And not in a good way.
Happy:
(Eyeing him with interest) You said it. (To SNAPPY) Say,
would you have the time to…
SNAPPY turns away abruptly, takes his cell phone from its holster.
Looks at his watch.
Snappy:
It’s on vibrate. (Stepping away) Excuse me.
Happy:
(Aside) I wonder if he’s under cover. I wonder how he
is under the covers.
Snappy:
(Into phone) All right! Hurry up!
Happy:
I thought you’d be much…longer.
Snappy:
Sorry for the interruption. So…why are you on the

street, anyway?
Happy:
Like it says on the sign, I’ve got AIDS.
Happy:
(Aside) This is all wrong. (To SNAPPY) I noticed your
GMHC bag. And the button. Very good, if a bit
overstated.
Snappy:
Excuse me?
Happy:
You’re vice, right?
Snappy:
Huh?!
Happy:
Well, forget it. I’m not going to proposition you, so you
can just move on.
Snappy:
If I’m the heat, shouldn’t I say that to you?
Happy:
(Laughs) Though it has crossed my mind to come on to
you. (In Dracula voice) I vant to suck your…
Snappy:
Come on, dude. (Offering his arm) May I accompany
you across the street?
Happy:
My, aren’t you the gentleman!
Snappy:
You overestimate me.
HAPPY struggles feebly.
Snappy:
I’m not a cop!
Happy:
(Stops struggling) Too bad. Some of my best fantasies
are cops.
Snappy:
(Helping HAPPY to his feet) Cut the crap.
Happy:
They cut out housing for PWAs on welfare.
Snappy:
Not yet. We’re fighting it.
Happy:
The sons of bitches are gonna. So I beat them to it. I
moved out of their crappy lodgings.
Snappy:
(Aside) Where the hell is that car?!
Happy:
I’ve got my gay pride, you know.
Snappy:
Your sign says you’re ashamed and embarrassed. Do
you really even have AIDS?
Happy:
You fucking ass! You don’t have a clue. And what the
hell kind of “car” are you talking about? You sure it’s
not a squad car?
Snappy:
(Benevolently) My limo.
Happy:
Your limo! Just where do you think you’re taking me in

your homo limo, Prince Charming? Sign wasn’t lying.
That’s AIDS, A-I-D-S, AIDS.
Snappy:
I believe you. Don’t feel so sorry for yourself. I’m
positive, too.
Happy:
Aw, damn! Sure?
Snappy:
I’d like to help you. Think of it as becoming more
positive.
Happy:
(Sings) Baby, you can drive my car…
Snappy:
You think I’m bullshitting?
Happy:
Frankly, Scarlet…
Snappy:
Look. I just want to help. I’m rich.
Happy:
That don’t mean I want to be your bitch.
Snappy:
You are a pain! (Looking off stage) Finally! There he
is…Charles, over here.
SNAPPY momentarily walks off stage and makes a phony screeching
brake sound.
Snappy:
(Shouting from backstage) Just park across the street.
Be right there. (Walks back on. To HAPPY)
Well…coming?
Happy:
Almost. Wow! Rich, gay and positive! I’m swooning.
Snappy:
Fuck it. I can’t wait any more!
SNAPPY runs off. HAPPY starts humping the ground. BLACKOUT.
Sounds of two men climaxing. LIGHTS SNAP BACK UP.
Happy:
Oh, baby, that was mad!
Snappy:
(Comes back on stage, zipping up his pants) You make
me crazy!
Happy:
Just want to keep you happy, baby.
Snappy:
(Slipping him cash) See you tomorrow, then?
Happy:
Sure. Got no place else to go.
Lights fade down as SNAPPY walks off.

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