Snappy Takes a Hairpin Turn

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A young man sits in a doorway on the street. He is thin and disheveled.
He huddles in a shabby jean jacket. In front of him is a sign, poorly
lettered:

ASHAMED AND EMBARRASSED. HOMELESS AND HAVE AIDS.
PLEASE HELP ME.

Another young man, SNAPPY, walks past the young man in the
doorway. He is healthy and vibrant, the epitome of gay well being. He
wears a GMHC tote bag slung over his head and shoulder, and a huge
rainbow button pinned to the bag.

SNAPPY stops dead in his tracks and turns back to look back at the
seated, shivering young man, HAPPY.

Snappy:
(Aside) It can’t be.
Happy:
(Aside) Can it be?
Snappy:
(Aside, angrily) It shouldn’t be.
Happy:
(Aside) Could it be?
Snappy:
It’s embarrassing.
SNAPPY walks away, proceeds to make a cell phone call.
Happy:
(Aside) Well, that was embarrassing.
Snappy:
(Into cell phone) Hi, who is this? Let me speak with
Charles.
Happy:
(Aside) Guess it can’t be.
Snappy:
(Into cell phone) Charles…I’m on 14th Street and there’s
a guy panhandling on the sidewalk with a sign in front
of him saying…
SNAPPY turns slightly upstage and continues his conversation, his
voice muffled.
Happy:
(Aside, incredulously) He can’t be calling the cops on
me. Man, he’s got no shame.
Snappy:
(Turning downstage, audible again, into cell) Send a car

around. I’ll wait here to make sure he doesn’t get away.
Roger that.
Happy:
(Aside) Oh my God, he did call the cops!
Snappy:
(Aside) Better stall him before he bolts. (Strolls up to
HAPPY and stops with his crotch at eye level ) Hey,
buddy, where do you live?
Happy:
(Aside) Oh my God, what a basket! (To SNAPPY) Right
here on 14th Street.
Snappy:
Have you got an address?
Happy:
On this lime slice of a sidewalk.
Snappy:
Very poetic. But you’re not supposed to sleep on the
sidewalk.
Happy:
(Aside) Here it comes.
Snappy:
(Aside) He’s really cute in a skanky sort of way. (With
curiosity) How do you eat?
Happy:
Basically, I put food in my mouth, chew and swallow.
Just like anybody else.
Snappy:
Ha-ha. You don’t dumpster dive, do you?
Happy:
Hell no, that’s some nasty shit.
Snappy:
(Aside) Greasy and grimy.
Happy:
Much to my chagrine, I beg.
Snappy:
(Aside) And he won’t put up much of a fight. (To HAPPY)
I noticed your sign.
Happy:
Sucks, huh?
Snappy:
And not in a good way.
Happy:
(Eyeing him with interest) You said it. (To SNAPPY) Say,
would you have the time to…
SNAPPY turns away abruptly, takes his cell phone from its holster.
Looks at his watch.
Snappy:
It’s on vibrate. (Stepping away) Excuse me.
Happy:
(Aside) I wonder if he’s under cover. I wonder how he
is under the covers.
Snappy:
(Into phone) All right! Hurry up!
Happy:
I thought you’d be much…longer.
Snappy:
Sorry for the interruption. So…why are you on the

street, anyway?
Happy:
Like it says on the sign, I’ve got AIDS.
Happy:
(Aside) This is all wrong. (To SNAPPY) I noticed your
GMHC bag. And the button. Very good, if a bit
overstated.
Snappy:
Excuse me?
Happy:
You’re vice, right?
Snappy:
Huh?!
Happy:
Well, forget it. I’m not going to proposition you, so you
can just move on.
Snappy:
If I’m the heat, shouldn’t I say that to you?
Happy:
(Laughs) Though it has crossed my mind to come on to
you. (In Dracula voice) I vant to suck your…
Snappy:
Come on, dude. (Offering his arm) May I accompany
you across the street?
Happy:
My, aren’t you the gentleman!
Snappy:
You overestimate me.
HAPPY struggles feebly.
Snappy:
I’m not a cop!
Happy:
(Stops struggling) Too bad. Some of my best fantasies
are cops.
Snappy:
(Helping HAPPY to his feet) Cut the crap.
Happy:
They cut out housing for PWAs on welfare.
Snappy:
Not yet. We’re fighting it.
Happy:
The sons of bitches are gonna. So I beat them to it. I
moved out of their crappy lodgings.
Snappy:
(Aside) Where the hell is that car?!
Happy:
I’ve got my gay pride, you know.
Snappy:
Your sign says you’re ashamed and embarrassed. Do
you really even have AIDS?
Happy:
You fucking ass! You don’t have a clue. And what the
hell kind of “car” are you talking about? You sure it’s
not a squad car?
Snappy:
(Benevolently) My limo.
Happy:
Your limo! Just where do you think you’re taking me in

your homo limo, Prince Charming? Sign wasn’t lying.
That’s AIDS, A-I-D-S, AIDS.
Snappy:
I believe you. Don’t feel so sorry for yourself. I’m
positive, too.
Happy:
Aw, damn! Sure?
Snappy:
I’d like to help you. Think of it as becoming more
positive.
Happy:
(Sings) Baby, you can drive my car…
Snappy:
You think I’m bullshitting?
Happy:
Frankly, Scarlet…
Snappy:
Look. I just want to help. I’m rich.
Happy:
That don’t mean I want to be your bitch.
Snappy:
You are a pain! (Looking off stage) Finally! There he
is…Charles, over here.
SNAPPY momentarily walks off stage and makes a phony screeching
brake sound.
Snappy:
(Shouting from backstage) Just park across the street.
Be right there. (Walks back on. To HAPPY)
Well…coming?
Happy:
Almost. Wow! Rich, gay and positive! I’m swooning.
Snappy:
Fuck it. I can’t wait any more!
SNAPPY runs off. HAPPY starts humping the ground. BLACKOUT.
Sounds of two men climaxing. LIGHTS SNAP BACK UP.
Happy:
Oh, baby, that was mad!
Snappy:
(Comes back on stage, zipping up his pants) You make
me crazy!
Happy:
Just want to keep you happy, baby.
Snappy:
(Slipping him cash) See you tomorrow, then?
Happy:
Sure. Got no place else to go.
Lights fade down as SNAPPY walks off.

Golden Sandeled Dawn

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Older Woman: Kittenish. That’s how I’d describe her. Kittenish.
Younger Woman: I’ve always respected her. But now, somehow…
Older Woman: She’s very respectful toward me. One might even say, solicitous.
Younger Woman: When I look at her mouth, I hear a whispered wind of sibilants. Fox-x-x-x-x-y.
Older Woman: Congenitally inverted, that’s what I think. My tongue is useless.
Younger Woman: How fortunate I am. She’s a hard grader, and I get all A’s. A is for Aphrodite. Blah-blah-blah.
Older Woman: What is her name? Erinna? Djuna? Virginia? Frida? Ma Rainey?
Younger Woman: I’m so distressed! I feel foolish, as if I’m drowning in a….well, a well of loneliness. Yet here she is, as bold as factory smoke.
Older Woman: Here she is, right in my face. Her budding breasts, her supple waist.
Younger Woman: She’s got no shame. I like that.
Older Woman: I must be true to myself. No shame. Look her directly in the eye.
Younger Woman: She’s looking straight in my eyes! My panties are getting wet.
Older Woman: The scent of her…from here, like vanilla cream and strawberries. I yearn and I seek.
Younger Woman: I bet her breasts are still erect. And she is so cut!
Older Woman: She is so cute! Would I be her first? A golden pulse grows along the shores.

Younger Woman: My nipples are erect. Oh, this is disgraceful. I’m probably just imagining the whole thing.
Older Woman: I’ve let my imagination run away with me. Maybe I should just go home and…watch Oprah.
Younger Woman: I should just forget about the whole thing, go home and…do my homework.
The Younger Woman turns around to go.
The Older Woman drags her finger across her desktop. It makes a squeaky noise.
The Younger Woman turns around with curiosity.
Older Woman: Mabel?
Younger Woman: Yes, Miss Hall?
Older Woman: (To herself) I’m thinking about her silky pubic hair and sweetly turned up mouth. As if always in a smile.
Younger Woman: Miss Hall?
Older Woman You are very promising, you know.
Younger Woman: (To herself) Should I ask her to tea? Christ on a crutch! What am I thinking?!
Older Woman: (To herself) What a vapid thing to say to her. Still, better than nothing.
An awkward silence.
Older Woman: I mean your poetry.
Younger Woman: Your Titian hair.
Older Woman: Excuse me, dear?
Younger Woman: Your teaching here has been such an inspiration to me. (To herself) Stupid Sappho.
Older Woman: Do you…have the time?
Younger Woman: (Looking at her watch) I have a class.
Older Woman: Is that all? I thought you’d be rushing off to meet your beau.
Younger Woman: (To herself) Who says “beau” any more? How adorable. (To Older Woman) I don’t have one.
Older Woman: Perhaps later, then? I have some remarkable literary memorabilia I think you’d find very enlightening. It might even provide some good fodder for your final paper.
Younger Woman: Or next poem.
Older Woman: You understand me.
Younger Woman: Let’s see what you got.
Older Woman: (Under her breath) It’s all so fast. (To Younger Woman) Shall we say 8:00 this evening, then?
Younger Woman: Cool, cool, cool…How about Prairie Lights? They’ve got a nice little coffee house on the second floor…
Older Woman: I’m familiar with it. (She gingerly puts on a pair of white lace gloves) In fact, my flat’s close by there.
Younger Woman: (Playing with her hair) Awesome.
Blackout. Sound of ticking. Lights snap back up.
Later. Older Woman sits alone at a table, a big scrapbook on her lap. She leafs through it without interest. Her back is to the door. She’s slightly slumped. The clock: reads: 9:30.
Older Woman: (She sits up with resolve, reads aloud): Better the swan’s chant than a windy world of rocks in an April Sky.
Younger Woman: (At the door) “Antipater of Sidon.” Sorry I’m late.
Older Woman: Andrew Lang, 1844-1912. Right on time, Mabel.
Younger Woman: My friends call me Sita.

Yeh Bakery (9-6-10) A play in One Act

posted in: archives, Featured, One Act Play | 0

Younger Man: Check out that old woman over there.
Older Woman: I can’t believe how that young man is staring at me.
Younger Man: Her eyes are riveted to my crotch.
Older Woman: I’m so flustered, I can’t make eye contact with him.
Younger Man: It’s embarrassing.
Older Woman: It’s disrespectful.
Younger Man: She’s old enough to be my grandmother.
Older Woman: I wonder if his voice still cracks.
Younger Man: She’s got no shame. I like that.
Older Woman: Actually, he’s…kinda hunky, in a crude and awkward way.
Younger Man: She was probably some hot BEAYACH when she was younger.
Older Woman: And oh my God, what a basket!
Younger Man: I bet her tits hang down below her knees.
Older Woman: I doubt he knows which end is up.
Younger Man: I bet when she takes out her teeth, she gives as good a blowjob as old man Dingus.
Older Woman: Probably doesn’t know where, much less what a clitoris is.
Younger Man: Her pussy must smell like mackerel and taste like mutton.
Older Woman: Maybe it’s a codpiece.
Younger Man: And her hole…I mean, how big IS it?!
Older Woman: Wonder if he has one of those smooth hairless chests and peach fuzz on his groin. And the small of his back. Mmmf!
Younger Man: Maybe her asshole’s still tight. If I can maneuver around the hemorrhoids.
Older Woman: Probably hasn’t had his first wet dream yet.
Younger Man: She looks like a moaner.
Older Woman: Still, better’n nothin’.
Younger Man: And she won’t put much of a fight.
Older Woman: Uhm, excuse me, young…sir.
Younger Man: Love that little SM touch. Joan Cougar Melonchest, here we go!
Older Woman: Do you…have the time?
Younger Man: (Looking at his watch) About half an hour.
Older Woman: Is that all? I thought you’d be much…longer. I mean, later.
Younger Man: (Offering his arm) May I accompany you across the street?
Older Woman: My, aren’t you the gentleman!
Younger Man: You underestimate me.
Older Woman: Let’s see what you got.
Younger Man: I’m blushing.
Older Woman: (Under her breath) This is all wrong.
Younger Man: (Under his breath) Let’s get it over with.
Older Woman: Hey, honey! Where you going?
Younger Man: Shut up and spread ’em!

(He goes to the curb and takes a leak)

(She opens her compact and puts on lipstick)

(Lights fade down)
___________________________________________________

Read more titles listed:

Golden Sandeled Dawn
Snappy Takes a Hairpin Turn
Amoeba and Essence